I wrote Relationship Expert – Meredith Goldstein

To help better serve the community, Theodore Adonis brings together former radio host and social observer, Van Buren, along with self-help guru Claey Ducken to answer questions about life, love and other relationship experts.    If you’d like Van Buren & Claey to help you solve your relationship or life problems… email us.

Hey Van Buren and Claey,

Last month, I wrote Meredith Goldstein, at the Boston Globe looking for relationship advice.  I had been in a relationship with my boyfriend, as I called him Steve.  We had been living together for two years and I thought he was the guy I’d settle down with.  But there was one problem – his friend Timmy.

Timmy didn’t believe in monogamous relationships.  In one instance, I became friendly with one of Timmy’s “girlfriends”… Come to find out, he was sleeping with some 10 other guys.  It devasted me.  He even slept with one of my friends… He’s an habitual cheater who thinks he’s living a great lifestyle and was trying to influence my boyfriend to be the same way.  They’d go out and come back the next day. Miss family events…  This was affecting our relationship and it made me, question Steve’s faithfulness.  Steve and I talked and while he admits that Timmy is the anti-Christ, he doesn’t do anything.  So I wondered if I should do something like give him an ultimatum.

Meredith told me, I have every right to make demands, set boundaries and hold him accountable.

Well this didn’t work.  We talked and he agreed, but he went out the next night for a weekend in Montreal.   And I’m at a point where I’m really wondering if I have to make him choose.  Me or Timmy – like Meredith suggested.  The original letter I wroter with her response is here:  http://www.boston.com/lifestyle/relationships/blog/2010/11/i_hate_his_friend.html?comments=all#readerComm

I’m not sure what should I do?

– Annoyed in the city

Van Buren

Hi Everybody. Van Buren here formerly of KSQX.  Anyway, AITC, let’s have chat from the Ladies room.   So I believe that us ladies must stick together.  Can you believe Lindsay Lohan wants to open up Rehab Centers?  That would be like conservative ministers not going to prostitutes nor sexually assaulting their interns.   I mean come on?

In your case AITC, I really can’t tell you without knowing what this guy looks like.  Right ladies?  Does he drive my mind wild and I’ll give him a longer leash, or is he sort of lame-o and I should dump him immediately?  The ladies would totally agree.  You’ve tried to have a normal conversation with him, you’ve tried to tell your boyfriend to cut back on hanging out with Timmy, but he just wont.  He’s trying to see what he can get away with, and like my grandmother said, “you’ve got to handle your men like Stalin.  You’re either with me or you live in Siberia.”  If only I knew what she was talking about, but as my nana was from Missouri, I believe Siberia is probably a town in Kansas.  And do you know what she used to say… “if it’s meant to be, things will work out.”  You seem to be on the right track – keep up the good work and you’ve got all the ladies in your corner.

Claey Ducken

Read this… I received a lot of advice from my grandmother, like don’t talk to strangers, and if I had listened to her, my social circle would only include me and my nana.  You have to understand who’s giving you advice, Van Buren is so fat that she’ll take any attention she can get,  especially if it comes with a quart of marshmallow Ice Cream.  I wish you had come to me first, because Meredith’s observations seem to be stolen from Captain Obvious and her advice borders on moronic.

Never ask a guy to limit certain behaviors or friends. What is he eight years old and you’re scheduling his playtime, his TV time and his homework time? He’s a man, or at least you both pretend he’s one. So treating him like a child will backfire, ruining the illusion you’ve created and give Timmy more room to manipulate him and alienate you.

Never, never, never give a man an ultimatum, even if his best friend is Benito Mussolini.  Now I’m not suggesting Timmy is Mussolini, he’s probably worse, since he’s probably better with women.  The thought of giving him an ultimatum, only accomplishes one thing: giving him a choice of two evils.  See he chooses you, and he’s a big tool and will most likely have to get new friends.  Or he chooses Timmy and he’s no longer a tool, but he’s someone not in your life.  And because of Timmy’s appetite for women, he’s not sharing with Steve – so in all possible ways, he loses.

You have two choices. One is to simply walk away from Steve.  Most people will agree that it’s the safest and cleanest thing.  If things are meant to be, like Van Buren’s Grandma believes, he will come back without the baggage.  But you’ve invested too much to simply walk and you’ll be taking the chance that he’ll never return, or you’ll come to see him as such a loser that you won’t want him when he returns.

The second option, the choice I favor: seduce Timmy. Most will say, especially the female readers, how wrong this is… but I didn’t say sleep with the guy, you dirty sluts, I said seduce – totally different.  Start by casually mentioning, “At first I thought you were cute, but I thought you were gay from your comfort around women, your hair and your sense of fashion.  But now I see you’re really manly.”  Most guys who habitually scoring with loads of women, are trying to prove their heterosexual masculinity.

Trust me, I know a Timmy and he’s all about proving he’s a man amongst his friends.  Using casual references admiring his sexuality will only lead him to your apartment. One night when Steve is away, he’ll conveniently arrive at your doorstep, a gift from Aphrodite.  You’ll find him sitting in your living room, he’ll put his hand on your leg, he’ll move in for this kiss, and you’ll say, “we shouldn’t – Steve.”  Then you’ll run off to the bathroom, give Steve a call and ask him, “why is Timmy in our apartment and why did he just try to make out with me?”  That’ll make him choose. End of story.

Van Buren, originally from of Midland Texas, lives with her dog “Butch”.  She’s the former host of Sanders in the Morning on Power 102.4 in Boston, enjoys watching the View on Channel 5 and keeping up-to-date with the local gossip.  She’s looking for a publisher for her book… ”Is Vin Diesel Gay?”

Claey Ducken is a successful entrepreneur who is married to his wife Jennifer of eleven years, with two kids, Eryn & Eryca, and he has a mistress Corinne for the last six years.  He’s an avid water-skier, plays five musical instruments and has written two best-sellers, ”Being Negative and Successful” and “Do what I say? Do I care what you think?”

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