Victims Should Apologize!

Chris TS Edwards, Chief BS Officer for Theodore Adonis.com

So the other day, Ginni Thomas, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas’s wife called Anita Hill and left her a voicemail at 7:25 in the morning.  Now just to remind you, Anita Hill accused Clarence Thomas of sexual harassment during his confirmation hearings way back in the day.  Anyway, I’m not going write about the woman who accused me of certain inappropriate behaviors before I met my wife: my defense was “her mouth said no, but her breasts said hello!”  Hehehe…

I think a lot of people are being hard on Ginni, but I would love her in my corner: “Honey, I didn’t come onto that woman.  It was her revealing clothing.”
Ginni would ask, “What was the slut wearing?”
And I would tell her the truth, “Honey, it was a rainy late winter day in Southern New Hampshire.  She was wearing a long rain jacket, sweat pants, thick-thick waterproof boots, a woolen hat, a stylish matching scarf and, according to her, three additional layers of clothing.”
“Honey,” she would respond, “I think she owes you an apology…”  

Here are a couple of other voicemail and calls that should be made. 

1. “Good morning Jen Sturger, this Deanna Favre, Brett’s wife.  I wanted to bridge the gap and the talking heads on ESPN.  I’ve learned that Brett sent you penis photos back when he was with the Jets.  I remember, when Brett and I first met, him saying, ‘you know I’m the Packers Quarterback, do you know I have a penis?’ I was amazed at his articulation, ‘Do you want to see the MVP?’  This was before the whole sexting thing.  Anyway, I’d love you to consider an apology sometime and some full explanation of why you didn’t do what you didn’t do with my husband.  Have a good day” 
2. “Hello, Patricia Maximilian, this is Lacy Warren wife of the short order cook at Bubba’s Sushi.  I wanted to reach across the ER receptionist and security guards and ask you to give something a little thought.  Just to let you know, you weren’t the only case food sickness, there were 4 last night and 7 this week.  Still, you were the only one to call the Health Department and that action, the 14 violations of food safety they discovered and the disclosure of all cases, have caused the restaurant to be closed and my husband Eddy to lose his job.  I would love you to consider an apology sometime and some full explanation of why you did what you did.  Also, as the waitress, I wanted to know why you only left me $4 on $25?  Was I just an average waitress?  So whenever you’re ready, give me a call and we can figure out how you can send me an additional buck or two.  OK have a good day.“
3. “Hi Cindy, the other night at the Dive Bar you went up to my son and asked him why he never called you back in four months.  I think you owe him an apology for putting him on the spot.  I mean, just because a guy makes out with you, says he likes you and promises he’ll call, doesn’t mean he has to call you back.  So why don’t you give it some thought, make a prayer or two and look deep inside of yourself figuring out why your such a slut.  One day, you will help us understand why you did what you did.  OK, have a good day.
4. “Hello Ms. Brown, would you accept a collect call from inmate # 1027820?  Mr. Simpson is calling to figure out Denise, why you continue to insist that he killed your sister.  He has taken his lifelong search to finding your sister’s murderer into America’s prisons.  Anyway, if you would accept this collect call, he would love to hear an apology…  Hello? Hello?  I’m sorry Mr. Simpson, she hung up – again.”
5. Good morning, former Miss Lisa Allen, this is Lisa Perry, wife of Massachusetts State Representative and US Congressional Candidate Jeff Perry.  Now I understand that you’re accusing my husband of standing 15 feet away, as another officer Scott Flanagan conducted an inappropriate search of your vaginal area looking for pot when you were only 14 years old.  I’m calling you to consider something.  I would love for you to consider calling the Boston Globe and making a public apology.  My husband couldn’t remember hearing your screams for help, ‘misstated the facts of a different search’ and made a statement that what happened to you was wrong.’  What else do you want?  It wasn’t like he cheered while it happened.  Say a prayer to God and then consider making an apology for wrongly accusing my husband while he runs for office.  And Lisa, my name is Lisa too.  Isn’t that weird?  Maybe one day we can be friends.  OK. Have a great day.  http://www.boston.com/news/local/breaking_news/2010/10/breaking_silenc.html

Thank you for reading this obvious piece of satire.