My Authentic Greek Restaurant

Theodore Adonis, Chief Opinion Maker

Los Angeles – With the recent opening of Xandros and soon to be closing of Xandros, I, in the Greek community, am once again being force-fed, like a Greek eating Bulgarian Feta, how this newest culinary incarnation will be an authentic representation of Hellenic culinary traditions.  And once again, I’m already disappointed how it clearly fails to meet my memories of  food adventures in the Athens or surrounding villages and that you will once again be bamboozled into the false belief how this accurately imports the delights of my culture.  So for you lover of Greek cuisine, and the next chef who aims to open up an authentic Greek restaurant, let me share with you what Hellenic Cuisine actually is.

When I recall my past culinary delights in Greece, I remember visiting an aunt’s house which always had a metal gate that swung ridiculously fast and if not careful, would decapitate a finger or two.  Now you maybe wondering, “why is Theodore Adonis talking about this metallic gate?”  Well, replicating the décor is so very important.  A contemporary Greek restaurant may have Greek Columns, calling to our past, or an island motif, calling to fun and frolic on the Aegean, but authentic Greek decoration should be rigid and possibly dangerous allowing the clientele to remain alert.  Uneven walkways, an inconveniently placed thorn-bush, a prickly pear cactus plant all elicit attentiveness and the twisted ankle I received in 1993.

Upon entering my aunt’s house, I would inevitably be met with a combination of stale air, body odor and lavender matching the greeting of my overweight aunt wearing all black, except for the gold on her teeth (those still in her mouth and not the gold pieces which had fallen out to be used for bartering).  Her hair pulled back in a bun obviously tied with a feta cheese cloth.  I’m always disappointed when I walk into a Greek restaurant and there are young sprightly waitresses beaming from ear to ear.  No, an authentic restaurant should have, apparently old jovial Greek women, who when seated with their patrons, have a deep seated anger about how their husband never earned that much and who will complain endlessly about how the stipend they’re receiving from the government isn’t enough to cover their expenses.  In the menu, under customs it would be listed, “in Greek society, the elderly cry until their next of kin, especially those who’ve moved to the US, Canada and Australia, secretly provide an envelope of a couple of hundred dollars.  It’s also customary for the Greek widow to extend the morning period far beyond her death, into the after-life.”

Would I like a little Greek Salad, bread and Kotopoulo me rizi (Chicken and rice)? Of course!  Don’t mind the flies and stray cats – it’s part of the ambiance.  I’m not joking.  What I remember most of Greece isn’t the fresh produce, the olive oil seemingly seeping out of walls, the immense summer heat, but the immense numbers of stray cats and flies over running the country.  It’s the Mediterranean damn you and we can’t have an authentic Greek meal without them.  Eating food in Greece, left me exhausted and drained from the amount of time swatting the rampant flies and kicking the thousands of stray cats looking for a free meal in a pre-siesta fury.

I also remember my dad turning to me when I was in Greece for the first time at age six.  He said, “Son, be very careful with what you eat because they have bones in their food.”  And this is as true as the flies.  In the US, we do a great job of making our beef, chicken, seafood and swine not seem like meat, poultry, fish and pork.  The meat is mechanically engineered to not only have enough fat, but also have all the little bones removed and made into a pepperoni like substance.  This isn’t the case in Greece.  There are bones in everything – even the vegetables and seeds.  It’s freaking amazing.  Authentic Greek cooking must have bones reintroduced into the stews.  My Aunt’s favorite was her favorite donto-tzatziki (which is strained Greek yogurt, a little cucumber, dill, olive oil, garlic and my aunt’s loose cap.)

Anytime, I’m at a Greek restaurant, I’m always disappointed to find out what liberties are taken with the cooking.  I’ll ask the waiter, “Is the chicken souvlaki cooked thoroughly?” Invariably, the food is always under-prepared.  See, traditional Greek cooks don’t count in hours but in days.  How long do you cook beef – generally all day.  Chicken is cooked for two days and pork and lamb are cooked for three.  All meat products should come out the other side like the coals they’re cooked over.  It’s why the Greeks drink massive quantities of wine, beer and scotch.

Finally, I rarely ever felt comfortable in Greece.  It’s really too bad you can’t have your parking lot far away from your restaurant with complimentary Athenian cab drivers.  Anyone who held on as the cab driver careens by a trackless trolley on the narrow streets of the Kypseli neighborhood, and cabbie makes a lude jesture and comment to some very attractive pre-teen walking down a street, knows exactly what I’m talking about.  But still, there are a couple of added details your future restaurant could have.  How about extremely uncomfortable seats made of a straw-like substance that welts your skin?  You could have street performers come in and play a little violin and fleece your customers.  Or, if you don’t want music, you still could have actors (this works in LA) come in and pretend to be Albanian Beggars who rhyme for a couple of extra bucks.

My name Dillon
I’m beggin’ livon’
I one day be great actor
And feed my starve eleven sistor.
I asking for a couple of ten-bucks
And if not I learn drive trucks.

You think I’m making this up, but the beggars in Greece really aren’t poets.  A complete dining experience would include your waiter chasing “the Albanian” beggar out and onto the street only to be beaten up by “the Russians”.  What priceless entertainment and the sympathy tips.

These are all things you should be looking for when you’re trying to create or searching you’re trying to authentic Greek dining experience: Slamming metallic gates, cactus plants to fall into, Greek widows, flies and cats, bones, meat product that’s cooked thoroughly and Albanian beggars.  Only with those items will I say – great stuff.

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