President Obama: If A Tree Falls in a Forest

…This made me think of an old saying and I recalled how naïve it would be to simply say it and therefore simplifying the woes within the forest. I think it’s more appropriate to say, that if a tree falls in the forest, and one is there to effectively communicate that it was not the wind that caused such a disaster, but Anthracnose diseases of hardwood trees, which are in fact widespread throughout the Eastern United States, then did it actually make a sound?

Is Bad Pizza like Still Pretty Good Sex

…Now maybe you’re asking: why does it matter whether the pizza was good or bad? Well, after we finished and before we left, our distant-aunt would suggest making a half-dozen pizzas for our dad, maybe for our grandparents, maybe some to keep in the fridge or freezer and you couldn’t take no for an answer. It’s like someone picking up the tab at dinner, initially you say no, but eventually you have to relent. And in our situation, it generally would be an insult to refuse parting gifts…

From the News: Fall Guy

“The Roxbury man who allegedly confessed he stashed crack cocaine in the shoe of a 3-year-old girl is “taking the fall” for someone, his attorney said.”  Boston Globe.

I’ve talked with his attorney and clearly he’s taking the fall for the 3 year old girl, who, on MLK Blvd, as the massive drug pusher “Little White Girl.”   Demare Gare, the accused, is clearly the victim here of an overly zealous criminal justice system that forces confessions on people to explain how we have 3 year olds using and dealing drugs.  No need to read the rest of the story:

http://www.boston.com/news/local/breaking_news/2010/11/crack_discovere.html?p1=News_links

THEODORE ADONIS

Was I brushed off?

Dear Van Buren and Claey,

I met this girl back in June at a community event, it was a save-the-sea-plankton or STSP. Anyway, the organization is the brain child of Franz Ferdinand’s front man Alex Kapranos and it’s all about finding ways of saving sea plankton without cutting back the sewarage, refuse and other pollution we normally put in our oceans… The next week came and she set a meeting place and time, and as I was arriving to meet her, literally a block a way, I received a text message saying she had just gotten a migraine and couldn’t meet up.

I wrote Relationship Expert – Meredith Goldstein

…Never ask a guy to limit certain behaviors or friends. What is he eight years old and you’re scheduling his playtime, his TV time and his homework time? He’s a man, or at least you both pretend he’s one. So treating him like a child will backfire, ruining the illusion you’ve created and giving Timmy more room to manipulate him and alienate you.

Never, never, never give a man an ultimatum, even if his best friend is Benito Mussolini…

Mistress Evelyn, Nancy Pelosi and Astrological Politics

As it has been a while and it’s that time of the year, I’m giving my politically charged horoscope.  Incumbent-Democrats who have sun signs in Sagittarius will have difficulties this November, mainly the planet Neptune will be in Aquarius and this means the populace really doesn’t give a shit.  Eventually, they come back to scratch their heads at what they ended up with, the meaning of tea parties reverts back to a bunch of ladies getting together politely gossiping over flavored hot water…

Victims Should Apologize!

Chris TS Edwards, Chief BS Officer for Theodore Adonis.com

So the other day, Ginni Thomas, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas’s wife called Anita Hill and left her a voicemail at 7:25 in the morning. Now just to remind you, Anita Hill accused Clarence Thomas of sexual harrasment during his confirmation hearings way back in the day. Anyway, I’m not going write about the woman who accused me of certain inappropriate behaviors before I met my wife: my defense was “her mouth said no, but her breasts said hello!” Hehehe…

North Dakota Debate Coverage

Moderator – What the hell was that? It was unbearable? I had them pull the plug on the electricity.

DEM. Candidate – What? You can’t do that!

Moderator – I can. You both are so agreeable. It’s like you’re involved in a congeniality contests…

My Authentic Greek Restaurant

…I remember visiting an aunt’s house which always had a metal gate that swung ridiculously fast and if not careful, would decapitate a finger or two. So the exterior décor should be rigid and possibly dangerous allowing the clientele to remain alert. Uneven walkways, an inconveniently placed thorn-bush, a prickly pear cactus plant all elicit attentiveness…

And They Took Down CL’s Adult Services Section…

…there is ample street parking for you and your friends (in case you want to throw a party). Must be okay with a bunny as a pet.

Just to be explicit, this isn’t a sex-services ad, sex isn’t included, you’re just paying for the pleasure of sleeping in the same house as us and whatever else happens – just happens. Ya know. Wink-wink ;-o.

At the Supermarket

Yesterday, at the Supermarket, I ran across one of those people who are paid to peddle some public interest. He said, “Are you interested in ending kids homelessness?” And I predictably responded, “No. I don’t have the time.”…

A Hurricane Astrological Forecast

My hip is flaring up and it reminded me, how my mother’s hip, god-rest-her-soul, flared in mid-September 1985 just before Hurricane Gloria… (A complete weather-related astrological forecast for your entire family)

The Simplified Remedies by Claey Ducken

Recently, however, I’ve been receiving many questions about my excellent immune system, no allergies and ability to quickly recover from any sort of ailment – WITHOUT GOING TO THE DOCTOR! Many of you, don’t have health insurance, or are paying through the nose for insurance coverage that doesn’t cover even a doctor’s visit. But there is a homeopathic solution, I personally have developed involving no pills, vitamins, expensive visits to the chiropractor or acupuncturist. CLICK ON THE TITLE FOR MORE…

Craigslist Killer’s Official Eulogy

For those of us who knew him, know he didn’t commit these crimes. While we can’t understand why he chose to end his life, we can only suspect that after his aquittal, he didn’t want to walk down the street someday saying, “Hey Billy, I think that’s the Craigslist Killer” or a the reality show “Living with the CraigsList Killer.”

There are many who DIDN”T KNOW HIM, who will say he committed the crimes and his suicide was an admission of guilt. But they don’t know him and luckily, neither did I.

Mistress Evelyn’s Movie and a Horoscope

…“my friend”, Rhonda the Jew (I use quotes because at my age there aren’t that many men left so I just have to find whatever is available), came up with an amazing pitch for a movie studio. Read it and enjoy… After that I will provide another one of my horoscope forecasts – it’s quite like “Movie and a Horoscope”…